What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our nation's capital:

    3:15Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
    3:30Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
    5:00One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
    5:15Torch enters Northeast Washington
    5:16First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs.
    6:00After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and repurchased for $25
    6:15Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
    6:20Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal".
    6:30Torch heads into Northwest Washington
    6:35Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
    6:45Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
    6:55Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have such a high profile "flame" in their area.
    7:00Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan Howard.
    7:01David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $90 million over two years for Howard's effort.
    7:21Torch arrives at White House.
    7:22FBI files on Torch arrive White House.
    7:23Hillary fires Torch, citing "gross mismanagement and bad record keeping".
    7:24"Torchgate" hearings begin on Capitol Hill.
    7:30Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall.
    7:32Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by "With Ourselves" star, John Mechem
    7:35Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan.
    7:36Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along Torch route.
    8:00Torch heads for Virginia.
    8:15Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally dropped into Potomac -- entire surface of river immediately ignites.
    8:45After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately assessed personal property tax on torch.
    8:47Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience, support this torch.
    9:00Torch is retired for the evening. USOC vows never to set foot in the D.C. area again

Author(s): unknown