What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our nation's capital:
| 3:15 | Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol |
| 3:30 | Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole. |
| 5:00 | One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch. |
| 5:15 | Torch enters Northeast Washington |
| 5:16 | First recorded case of "Torch-jacking" occurs. |
| 6:00 | After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and repurchased for $25 |
| 6:15 | Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion Barry uses it to light his crack pipe. |
| 6:20 | Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take the torch to the country for "spiritual renewal". |
| 6:30 | Torch heads into Northwest Washington |
| 6:35 | Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole. |
| 6:45 | Torch is recovered (runner is never found). |
| 6:55 | Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have such a high profile "flame" in their area. |
| 7:00 | Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan Howard. |
| 7:01 | David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $90 million over two years for Howard's effort. |
| 7:21 | Torch arrives at White House. |
| 7:22 | FBI files on Torch arrive White House. |
| 7:23 | Hillary fires Torch, citing "gross mismanagement and bad record keeping". |
| 7:24 | "Torchgate" hearings begin on Capitol Hill. |
| 7:30 | Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall. |
| 7:32 | Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by "With Ourselves" star, John Mechem |
| 7:35 | Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan. |
| 7:36 | Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along Torch route. |
| 8:00 | Torch heads for Virginia. |
| 8:15 | Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally dropped into Potomac -- entire surface of river immediately ignites. |
| 8:45 | After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately assessed personal property tax on torch. |
| 8:47 | Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience, support this torch. |
| 9:00 | Torch is retired for the evening. USOC vows never to set foot in the D.C. area again |
